Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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