So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
