Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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