I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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