He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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