paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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