When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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