She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
