That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
