please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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