At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
