Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
