I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
