Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
