why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
