Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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