I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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