and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
