Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I could make wine with my vomit
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
