Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Damn victory sex feels great
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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