Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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