FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
