Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
