You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
