Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
