you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
