She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I think my vagina is haunted
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
