Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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