I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You ruined the universe
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
