his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
