Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
