thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
