FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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