he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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