Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
