Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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