Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
