Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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