Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
