I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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