I met the friendliest cop last night
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
