she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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