I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
