There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
