she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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