Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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