I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
