This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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