I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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