Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
