and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
