I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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