hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Randomize
