Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
