hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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