i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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