he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Green mimosas i think yes
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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