I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
