sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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