I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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