Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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