I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
